Managing Expectations

Expectation: a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future.

Expectations can be dangerous. They are unlikely to be un-voiced, and likely involve another human and incomplete communication.

We have expectations for ourselves, for our lives, for those in our lives, for interactions, and the list goes on. These expectations are beliefs about the future and take us out of the present moment. We may even make plans around these expectations of the future.

I think it's important to note that, although similar, expectations are different than goals and intentions. Goals are set expectations, but with clear action steps to accomplish them. Likely, goals are accompanied by check-in points so that the goal-setter is able to dream big, but also pivot and adjust as needed. Intentions are a starting point for an outcome. The outcome could be as simple as getting to work on time, or as encompassing as creating the life of your dreams.

I differentiate expectations in that they are usually thoughts for an outcome without a plan - conscious or unconscious - to achieve that outcome.

I have found that communication is the missing link when it comes to being disappointed by an expectation. The lack of communication can be milestone goals along the way to a larger goal, a plan to achieve an intention, or, this is my big practice, constant and open communication with those in my life.

I know that I am most comfortable with plans - I like structure in my life and that is when I thrive the most. In order for me to create a life that helps me to thrive, I need to ensure that I am in constant and open communication with those around me. If I neglect to vocalize my expectations or clearly set expectations, I end up being the one disappointed and there is usually some emotional hurt on both sides.

I am still practicing this! Big time!

Here are some of my tips for working with expectations:

1. Know that expectations are a thing and become aware of when and where you have them in your life. Is there someone or something you constantly find yourself bumping up against an expectation around?
2. Once you are aware of the circumstances around your expectations, start to vocalize them. Vocalizing your expectations can turn them into goals and forward movement. Vocalizing your expectations with another person opens up the communication and sets the stage for the other person to communicate their expectations with you - there is a caveat here, don't expect them to just start communicating with you! You may need to let them know that you would like more communication from them.
3. Especially when expectations include another person, remember that this is about you. Just because you tell someone your expectations, that doesn't mean that they will fulfill them!
4. Expectations in themselves aren't bad, and they can be healthy; however, they may need to be modified. Expecting that someone in your life isn't abusive towards you is a very good expectation to have! Sadly, you may encounter someone who does abuse you. That person may communicate that they will stop being abusive to you and you may expect their behaviour to change; however, if it doesn't not, you need to change your expectations of them and walk away.
5. Release attachment to the outcome. As the above (extreme) example illustrates, you may need to walk away or step into the unknown.
6. Replace expectation with appreciation. Thank you to Tony Robbins for this gem. This sends your brain searching for something on another path. It snaps you out of the negative spiral of expectation, disappointment, and hurt by giving your brain a new task. By choosing appreciation, you also benefit by switching over into a positive thought which creates positive feelings and emotions.

For me, ensuring that I am expressing my needs through open communication is key; as is releasing attachment to the outcome. I know intellectually that I can't control the behaviour of those around me, yet, I still stumble by expecting a different outcome just because I communicate.

I'm still learning how to implement replace expectation with appreciation. As I've said, this life is a practice!

In love and kindness,
~A